I’m Angry! Broken Mirrors; Broken Hearts

“Addiction is like living in a fun house” (Carnes, 1993, p. 19).  The misleading mirrors of the fun house make actions of sexual and alcoholic addictions appear normal (p. 19).  However, sick behavior has consequences.

One day, I saw my mother crying.  It broke my heart.

In 1967, I was 14 years old.  I was with mom and dad in the family room of a local tavern.  On the weekends, we would go out to eat.  At times, we would go to a place called The Press Box.

During and after the meal, Dad would drink alcoholic beverages.  Mom may have had one beer during dinner.  My dad, however, had a difficult time stopping, and, even worse, he couldn’t stop flirting with women in the bar.  My mother cried.  I was angry.

One day, dad opened the refrigerator and told me that I could have a beer.  He would rather I drink at home than get drunk at some party.  I began drinking beer.  After a while, I enjoyed the beer.  I then had one a day.

There may not have been a connection; however, I found myself sneaking dad’s porn magazines, more and more.  When mom and dad were not home, I would hide away in the house because I had one brother and five sisters.  They didn’t need to see the pornography.  Porn stoked compulsive masturbation.  When I couldn’t have the other, drinking released the tension.

At 15, I joined a rock & roll band.  After a gig, the host gave the band hard liquor.  After we had loaded the equipment in our vehicles, we took a spin around town.  The police picked us up.

At 4 a.m. in the morning, mom and dad came down to the station.  When my mother saw how badly I looked, she had a look of dismay (shock) on her face.  I had broken her heart.

I no longer was in the fun house.  I saw my true distorted image in the unbroken mirror of mom’s virtue.

I’m angry.  I do not want to hurt my love ones.

Thanks,

Richard

 

Reference

Carnes, P. J. (1993). A Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps; The Classic Guide for All People in the Process of Recovery. p. 19. Center City; Minnesota: Hazelden Educational Materials.

Published by: curepornaddiction

In the year 1971 I became a store manager at age 19. I discovered I had a gift for mentoring. I gave one on one coaching, instruction and teaching with ease. And, I loved it. However, I had a problem that held me back from achieving my full potential. I was addicted to porn. When I was going through my puberty years in life, I found pornography (adult magazines) in my Dad's closet. I was hooked. I had my ups and downs throughout my life: Ups, when I was off of porn and using my gift: and, Downs, when I was using porn. Porn captured my attention, holding me back. I found the secrets to breaking free from porn. Like anyone else, I have to work at keeping my emotions positive, every day, to stay free. Limiting emotions--fear, doubt, hate, lust, sloth, pride, any emotion that kills joy. Joy is the ultimate weapon against porn. You have it; porn loses its hold on you. I dedicate this blog to those who are looking for ways to end pornography in their life. To Your Peace, Power and Plenty, Dale P.S. The picture above is not me. The photo represents all families free from pornography.

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