The Flip Flop Stages of Pornography
I was going through a stage when I intimately depended on pornography.
Looking back on the this particular time, I realize that I was in emotional states of depression, anxiety, stress, need, and confusion.
It is not important that you know what types of porn sites that I visited.
It is not important what sites gave me reprieve from the pain that I felt.
It is not important that you know what caused my pain.
All that is important is that pornography gave me an escape. I hungered for the comfort that it gave me. However, porn was a false security.
After feelings of comfort wore off, I became horribly upset with my indecent behavior. I objectified women and men until it became rather obvious what I was doing. I thought: I can’t hide my secret. I am undressing people in real life. I continued in hiding.
Arrogantly viewing and masturbating to pornography blurred my decision making in the workplace, family, and social settings. I was narcissistic. I cognitively worked out problems with my lopsided point of view. I lost business and friends and hurt family members’ trust.
My emotional states of depression, anxiety, stress, need, and confusion came back with a severity of intense emotional pain. I needed more porn to comfort myself so I went online.
However, I no longer felt comfort but hopelessness. Pornography had become my enemy. I knew that I had to change.
I found a therapist. He recommended checking out SAA meetings and continue therapy. I went to a group meeting.
I have been in therapy for three years. I need someone to talk to so I am willing to pay for it!
Now, I have had 16 months of sobriety. I enjoy caring relationships from associates, friends, therapist, group members, family, and God. I have lasting comfort.
Plea for Relief from Bitter Foes