Masturbation: Caught! The Shame That Scares You

I knew I was going to hell

if I continued to masturbate.

I continued!

A teacher once said people do what they want to do (Booth, 2009, p. 30).

Actually, masturbation is not wrong. It brings comfort for many.

Yet, for me, because I associated masturbation with pornography, masturbating triggered cravings for porn. It became a vicious cycle.

I kept pornography a secret for about 44 years, and then it happened.  I was caught.

In 1997, I worked a sales territory for a material handling company.  The branch/office  sold and serviced forklifts.

My responsibility was to sell new and used forklifts.

After being on the road all day, I headed back to the office.  An adult book store was on the way.  I had passed it a thousand times, but, that time, I turned into the drive and went inside.

When I got back to the office, I discovered that a road mechanic saw me.  Everyone at the shop and office knew.  I was exposed.

My branch manager skillfully told me to be faithful to my wife.

I was ashamed.

My spouse had not known about my porn addiction.

Seventeen years later, I began to attend SAA meetings.

In step 5 of the 12-step program, it says,

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs (SAA, 2012).

Last month, I told my wife that I was attending SAA meetings and had a problem with pornography.

I am grateful for her.  She continues to love me as she always has.  She has seen a change in my temperament.

I am experiencing a new freedom that I have not felt since I was a child.

Thanks,

Dale

Meditation

Psalm 141 King James Version (KJV) public domain

141 Lord, I cry unto thee: make haste unto me; give ear unto my voice, when I cry unto thee.

² Let my prayer be set forth before thee as incense; and the lifting up of my hands as the evening sacrifice.

³ Set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips.

⁴ Incline not my heart to any evil thing, to practise wicked works with men that work iniquity: and let me not eat of their dainties.

Reference

Booth, L. (2009). Say yes to your sexual healing; daily meditations for sex addiction. Deerfield Beech; FL: Health Communications. Retrieve from http://www.fatherleo.com/shop/index.php?action=item&id=59&prevaction=category&previd=1&prevstart=.

Sex  Addicts Anonymous (SAA). (2012). (1st ed./1). Retrieve from http://saa-recovery.