I knew I was going to hell
if I continued to masturbate.
A teacher once said people do what they want to do (Booth, 2009, p. 30).
Actually, masturbation is not wrong. It brings comfort for many.
Yet, for me, because I associated masturbation with pornography, masturbating triggered cravings for porn. It became a vicious cycle.
I kept pornography a secret for about 44 years, and then it happened. I was caught.
In 1997, I worked a sales territory for a material handling company. The branch/office sold and serviced forklifts.
My responsibility was to sell new and used forklifts.
After being on the road all day, I headed back to the office. An adult book store was on the way. I had passed it a thousand times, but, that time, I turned into the drive and went inside.
When I got back to the office, I discovered that a road mechanic saw me. Everyone at the shop and office knew. I was exposed.
My branch manager skillfully told me to be faithful to my wife.
I was ashamed.
My spouse had not known about my porn addiction.
Seventeen years later, I began to attend SAA meetings.
In step 5 of the 12-step program, it says,
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs (SAA, 2012).
Last month, I told my wife that I was attending SAA meetings and had a problem with pornography.
I am grateful for her. She continues to love me as she always has. She has seen a change in my temperament.
I am experiencing a new freedom that I have not felt since I was a child.
Psalm 141 King James Version (KJV) public domain
141 Lord, I cry unto thee: make haste unto me; give ear unto my voice, when I cry unto thee.
2 Let my prayer be set forth before thee as incense; and the lifting up of my hands as the evening sacrifice.
3 Set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips.
4 Incline not my heart to any evil thing, to practise wicked works with men that work iniquity: and let me not eat of their dainties.
Booth, L. (2009). Say yes to your sexual healing; daily meditations for sex addiction. Deerfield Beech; FL: Health Communications. Retrieve from http://www.fatherleo.com/shop/index.php?action=item&id=59&prevaction=category&previd=1&prevstart=.
Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA). (2012). (1st ed./1). Retrieve from http://saa-recovery.