“But I see another law in my members,
warring against the law of my mind,
bringing me into captivity” (Romans 7:23)
This is especially true, after I masturbate.
The body unconsciously controls my thoughts: responding to any and all sexual stimuli, seeking for a sensual hit from any source it can get.
Reflexively, my peripheral vision caught her. Automatically craning my neck to catch a glimpse of the golden hair goddess, she was getting into her car with a full side view of her ample breasts Her skirt hiked up her thigh. She frowned seeing me rubbernecking. I automatically thought: This is so wrong! Pondering, Why?
An Answer hit my mind: I masturbated this morning. Every time, Masturbation flipped my state of mind from seeking how I feel emotionally to how I feel sensually. This changes the entire scope of how I live. Emotionally, I feel what is right or wrong. Sensually, I do without thinking.
The problem with masturbation was that it felt good, while I did it; afterwards, it left me feeling empty. Actually, my whole physiology seemed to go into a state of angst. All muscles tightened. A deep sense of dread spread across me.
Now, I feel stress. If I masturbate, I know what’s coming. I become a jerk. I morph into a Mr. Hyde. It seems as if I lose self-control. You notice I use the verb, “seems.” I know I have a free will.
I realize there isn’t anything that can make me do something against my will. But, after masturbation I seemingly stop caring; yet, I do care; the physiology of my being takes command.
However, I lose control of my sensual appetites. Like Dr. Jekyll, no matter how hard I fight it, when I feel stress I turn harsh, cruel, and hateful; hurting others without thought or reason.
Getting a little melodramatic … well … no … When I allow myself to masturbate, it’s true. I’m not a very nice person. My family is the first to notice the change (They don’t know why I am so irritable.).
I am hateful, unhappy, judgmental, rough, fearful, doubtful, prideful, insecure and lack restraint; My behavior is opposite of good.
Resistance is futile. The problem, there is no resistance. I act impulsively in every thing I do.
Porn images plague my thoughts.
Here’s why… After compulsive masturbation the space (the time line) between stimulus and response shrinks to less than a nanosecond. I act on a whim. A thought hits my mind. The body instantaneously responds.
My body has a mind of its own. And it usurps the conscious mind. Unconsciously, self-gratification becomes the body’s goal.
That’s why I found myself online viewing porn, so readily after masturbation. I was aware, but caring was another matter.
Perhaps, if I hadn’t been compulsively masturbating from ages 14 to 60 years old, I could sit and watch TV shows like “Dancing with the Stars” with my spouse.
Now, I can’t. I have to be careful what I watch, especially before bedtime.
An hour of continuous sexually charged images burning into my brain sets my body on auto response. Later, morning or day, asleep or not, my body responds with intense sensual sensations.
My experience: Masturbating to an image (actual or fantasy) programmed intense sensual feelings into my unconscious mind, setting a continuous loop.
Afterwards, my body automatically became aroused to the slightest sexual input. If I was alone, I immediately would masturbate, burning the audio and video into the Hard Drive of the unconscious mind, the auto functions of the body.
Images recorded, my unconscious mind stayed in the seek-and-find mode for more of the same. Searching for ways to become sexually charged, the body took all necessary means to satisfying its sexual desires. My focus, words and physiology became sexual, causing continual low grade burning sensations in the genital area.
Masturbating to fantasies in the mind or to pornographic images on the PC caused an intense emotional-physical connection. This connection locked compulsive behaviors in place. Stimulus … immediate response: body is on autopilot, very much like breathing.
My experience: I noticed when I compulsively masturbate two or more times within a compressed time frame (a few days) I am impulsive and self-centered in all areas of life. If I masturbate to relieve sexual tension (one time), I feel a difference in attitude and behavior, not as impulsive as compulsive masturbation, but my ego still tries to dominate. My reasoning process slightly slowed down; because I had to check what I say or do, checking whether it’s selfish (ego-based) or not.
Emotional discernment wasn’t as keen. Normally, I would make decisions regarding right and wrong, instantaneously. However, after masturbation, I had to work through emotions from sensuous programming to find true intent.
Now, I avoid masturbation.
However, I still discover my body doesn’t need a reason to become aroused. If I become aroused, I simply shift my thoughts to something nonsexual. I avert my attention. It’s extremely hard to do, if I allow masturbation to be part of my life.
Note: There isn’t anything wrong with sexual feelings in themselves. A sexual feeling is a natural function of the body. It feels good. When I feel aroused, I simply tell myself, “Why would I want to masturbate and lose these feelings.” I keep my thoughts pure and my hands off myself. I enjoy the natural feelings as long as they last; however, I avert my focus to loving thoughts about my spouse or concentrate on something wholesome or good.
Sexual feelings automatically leave.
If I become aroused because of improper sexual stimulus (temptation), I switch my thoughts by saying, “Cancel. Cancel.” Or, “Delete!” Or, I snapped the rubber band on my wrist to interrupt my thoughts (works quite well).
Then, I simply switch the images and thoughts in my mind with anything nonsexual. I go about my business and let the feelings subside, usually only a few minutes but not much more. The feelings actually subside rather quickly.
My greatest deterrent to masturbation is what happens to me afterwards.
Masturbation puts me into a self-centered state of mind. I automatically focus on me, totally forgetting others.
Being self-centered in business isn’t good; I talk myself out of sales. I’ve lost more money in business transactions (sales) than I can even imagine.
Compulsive masturbation triggers self-gratification in everything I do. I find myself unwittingly ignoring other people’s needs. Win/lose interactions, I win they lose without even realizing I’m doing it. Afterwards, I feel badly; but, it’s usually too late to do anything about it. Then, I lose.
The third day after masturbation my impulsiveness worsens; not only how my body responds to sexual input but how I react under stress and fatigue. I become ill tempered, hateful, rude, having … it’s-all-about-me attitude.
I cease to be spiritual and tend to get religious; evaluating people rather than serving them. Unconditional love doesn’t enter my thoughts; thus, it can’t enter my actions.
Porn becomes an option.
The second week after compulsive masturbation, my eyes become homing devices for short skirts, short shorts, tight jeans, butts, legs or breasts.
Usually not realizing it until it’s too late; my eyes grope women down to the skin, evaluating their sexual worth with the objectification to sexual standards. My brain and body are on auto pilot.
It may not be the same for you.
But, it negatively affects all areas of my life. Masturbation is the cause. Selfishness is the effect.
Take Back Your Life and Feel Good about Yourself!
This year, I masturbate one time. Last year, I masturbated 3 times. Masturbation is not wrong per say.
However, for me, I experienced nearly 46 years of compulsively masturbating to sexual thoughts, porn, movies, and fantasy. If I do it now, I will find myself clicking online to view porn. I conditioned myself to do so. For me, masturbation and porn go hand in hand so I stopped. My porn usage stopped.
For you, this may not the case. Masturbation may only be a comfort tool relieving stress.
To Your Peace,
4 thoughts on “Pornography: I masturbated all the time until I realized how it kept me in a sensual physical state”
Relate a lot to your post here Dale, thanks for having the courage to share.
I am grateful for your journaling. Thanks,
I admire how insightful and vigilant you are to your recovery, Dale.
Thank you for allowing us to be a part of this journey with you!
Thank you for your comments. I am grateful for you. Dale