Suicide Became an Option; However, Porn Addiction Remained a Better Choice

My Porn Addiction Got Worse and Worse! What was I going to do?

     As a young man I had a desire to become a teacher. However, compulsive masturbation and pornography addiction stole my attention.

     Masturbation/pornography thrust me into an impulsive lifestyle. Whatever came along at the moment, I did at a whim. Rash decisions kept me from enjoying the life suitable for my calling.

Having limited guidance and not knowing what I needed to do to become successful, I had no goals; therefore I had no plan. So, anything that sounded good became my plan for the moment.

Afterwards, I would realize I had made a mistake with a job I had chosen. I worked jobs that fell short of my abilities, especially my gift for teaching.

For the most part my addiction kept me self-centered and in a state of flux. However, when I was a young boy, I had an experience with God. Though brief, it became the benchmark for the rest of my life. The farther I drifted away from God and purpose the more miserable I became.

I remembered that day when my fourth grade class gathered for our school picture. At that moment, my thoughts went on God. When I grow up, I want to work for Him full time.

I didn’t know what it meant. I just felt it. However, I didn’t know God. I didn’t know His values. And, I didn’t know what His purpose was for me. I did know God was the reason for my feelings.

Young, idealistic, self-centered, my focus was strictly on me. I was a good boy, or it seemed that way. As I grew up, going from elementary to middle on to high school, my condition went from good to bad to worse. It wasn’t school’s fault.

My father was partly responsible. Ultimately, I was to blame. I found adult magazines in my dad’s closet. The timing was interesting. At puberty my eyes had no defense.

Fascination turned to attraction then addiction and then frustration. The glossy prints burned their images into the crevices of my subconscious mind. I attracted it.

I discovered more porn in my aunt’s home. I’ll never forget the feeling I felt at that moment. It was a sense of wonderment, excitement spreading through my body’s core. I thought I really hit pay dirt. Rationalizing: If she had these photos, it must be okay. However, I knew something wasn’t quite right.

Choices I made wore away my innocence. Lust ruled my day. I was drawn toward porn. I craved it. My mind was full of it. Like a homing torpedo, desire hit its mark. Sights for lustful eyes became plentiful. Pornography became a natural choice.

Compulsive masturbation kept me impulsive. If a thought hit my mind, I immediately acted on it without thinking through consequences. Spontaneity plunged me forward.

Impulsive behavior led to a low self-image. My lifestyle battered my self-esteem. Approval-seeking laced every action. I made choices on how others thought. Clouded, my decisions usually weren’t for the higher good.

Because I didn’t consider my welfare in the decisions I made, I blamed others when I had problems. Then, I felt alone. I became miserable. I needed comfort.

So, I sought new and better pornography. Connecting to the actions of porn stars on screen and in magazines, masturbation turned fantasies into reality. Everywhere I went, my thoughts and eyes were in search and find mode…

Porn Addiction Got Worse and Worse! I became totally miserable and despondent. I hated who I had become.

Suicide became my only option. I then planned how I would end my life. Suicide ran in my family; so why was I any different?

Go to My Story to discover a work in progress.

To Your Peace,

Dale