What fantasies on porn sites attracted me the most? How exciting were they to view? What one site surprised me the most? Sexual addiction was an emotional depression of my spirit. I lost touched with my core feelings. I was losing touch with my family.
This year, I will turn 63 years old. However, 18 months ago, I tried to kill myself.
The Third Step in the twelve step program discusses surrendering to the Higher Power of the universe as we are aware of His power. In November of 2013, I surrendered my will over to God. However, before I did, I had to learn a few things about myself.
After another bout with online pornography, I attempted suicide. My wife and granddaughter found me on the bedroom floor. I ended up in ICU and then the psych ward. While I was in the psychiatric ward, I told my story to the psychiatrist, nurses, mental health professions, and my wife. I also talked to God.
I discovered that I had spent my entire life in denial. I was sexually addicted but was not being honest with myself. I had not been honest with anyone—God, myself, my family, or friends. Throughout the years, my sexual escapades grew worse and worse. Because there was a time lapse between each incident, I thought I was not so bad. However, I did things that had severe consequences.
I have made huge improvements. In 18 months, I have had only three slips, probably, only 60 to 120 seconds each. When I clicked onto a site, I realized the foolishness of doing what I was doing and immediately closed the site.
The next six months, I look forward to a porn free life. The “surrender step” is life, and hope comes from surrendering to my Higher Power, Jesus Christ. I cannot do it on my own. I need His Spirit to Comfort and Guide Me.
P. S. I am almost at my 6 month mark of being free of porn.